How to turn your Apple Watch into a source of constant terror and dread

A friend was recently telling me about some IOS app they felt I should share on Boing Boing. The app reminds them, once daily to take a moment and appreciate themselves for who they are, be grateful for their time on Earth, and enjoy the opportunity to be here on this unique planet!

You know, all that shit.

I told this friend, 'Friend, I don't need that! I have an Apple Watch.'

My Apple Watch plays a key role in managing my mental and physical fitness. The watch serves me in two ways:

My lower back pain is marginally better. Pain is less likely to strike when I weigh less, and have 'core strength'
AND my weight and fitness are one of the very few things I can actually control in my life. Being in control of something reminds me trying does make a difference.

The Apple Watch has a wonderful display that reminds me to move and helps gauge both Calories In and Calories Out. That is most of how I stay thin. The Watch also takes messages in from other apps and displays them where I can see them!

In order to maximize the anxiety created by any random alert from my Apple Watch, I have turned on notifications of withdrawals from my personal checking account.

Every time money leaves my account, my wrist buzzes.

Life is a never-ending circus of joy!

The amount of dread the mere existence of this notification creates is incredible! At first, I didn't really notice and wasn't bothered by it. After a week or two, I was pretty fed up with it but realized 'Hey, maybe this is a feature and not a bug. We better ride it out, buddy!'

Several days later I experienced a mortgage payment depart whilst out on a pleasant walk with my dogs. This was like a kick in the gut. Suddenly every debit card use, every automatic payment was like death by a thousand wrist buzzes.

I was woken at 3 or 4 am by an automated payment to Hulu.

I don't even watch Hulu, the account is used by someone else in my family. Being woken up by a payment going out for Hulu is the equivalent of being woken up by your dog in the middle of the night to be told it already peed on the floor.

I have been running this notification for about two months now. I am in a place where I am giggling and laughing madly whenever an unexpected large payment for something hits.

I really think I'm on to something.