How a guitar pedal helped pull me out of a depression pit

This last year has been, without doubt, the absolute worst of my life. I lost my mum. I lost three other family members. My wife had several hospital visits and an operation. I suffered a bunch of health stuff. Already in treatment for depression and anxiety, the sheer weight of everything I was trying to deal with meant that if I was not at work, I was at home just laying on the sofa staring at the walls. I was bursting into tears at random moments or memories every day. Things got bad. You know the kind of bad I mean. The kind where there were two nights in particular where I almost never came home. 

I’m seeing an amazing therapist now who is really helping me. I feel like I’ve come through the deepest darkest parts of my depression and grief now. A big part of that has been forcing myself to look for the light. Turning off the phone and letting myself get lost in books. Going for long walks and feeding the local birds (I could write a whole article about the birds in the neighbourhood now, the family of magpies who gather around me and sing for peanuts, the spotted dove pair, the crafty Currawongs, the dishevelled little Magpie Lark who flies in circles around my head like I’m in a Loony Toons cartoon and I’ve just been hit in the head with a mallet).

And one of the other things that’s really helped has been setting up a pedalboard in the living room so I can just play with no fuss whenever I feel like it. 

Earlier this year I got a TONEX Pedal by IK Multimedia. I’d already been using TONEX in my recording setup but the depressive funk I’ve been in meant that my computer stuff was no longer all hooked up and my studio space was basically being used as storage. So I brought my monitors out into the living room, popped them either side of the TV an sound bar, plugged in my pedalboard (it stashes nicely out of sight under the TV cabinet) and now I have this little rig that I can immediately hook into when I need it. I have a Line 6 HX One before the TONEX pedal and an Eventide H9 after it, all connected via MIDI into some Hotone controllers so I can do all sorts of fun clever stuff. I spend hours with a guitar in my lap creating presets and fine-tuning tones, downloading tone models and generally just playing guitar for fun again. I love to pop on YouTube or the Retro channel on Aussie streaming service Binge and just play along, no expectations, no pressure, just let my ear take me where it will. 

It’s so healing. 

The one thing that has been able to quiet my mind on my worst days has been that feeling of picking up the guitar and instantly turning into notes. Becoming music. My conscious mind shuts off and I’m just focused on sound and melody. It’s a kind of meditation that takes you outside of yourself in one way and very deep into your subconscious in another. And through it all, I’m starting to regain the urge to write, to get my recording stuff set up again, to play guitar for people, to maybe even put together a band and get out there.

Playing guitar has been a huge part of my healing, alongside the very hard, very intentional work I’m putting in with my therapist to turn these feelings around, and those long walks listeing to music or podcasts or just the sound of nature, and feeding my bird friends which makes me feel engaged in the natural world around me. It’s all important. I don’t know if I would have found my joy in playing guitar again if it wasn’t for that TONEX Pedal sitting on my board (and now I see there’s a TONEX Plug headphone amp unit which is funny cos just last week I posted on Facebook that I wish IK would release one, and while I often have advance knowledge of products due to my work at a guitar store and in the music media, in this case I had no idea). 

Ultimately inspiration is wherever you find it: a new guitar, a new tuning, a new pickup or amp, finding new material to learn. In my case, just having my favourite guitar sounds within easy reach has been really energising, at a time where I needed something to lift me up. I don’t think I’ll ever be over my depression and I’ll never get over all the loss of the past 12 months and especially losing my mum. But I’m trying really hard to remember the good when I’m dragged down by the bad. And playing guitar is really, really good. 

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